CD 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 

Page 

FOREWORD    -  7 

ADAM  AND  EVE     -  9 

NOAH  AND  THE  FLOOD  -  -  15 

ABRAHAM  OFFERING  UP  ISAAC       -  19 

JACOB  AND  ESAU  -  -  23 

JOSHUA'S  EXPLOITS  -  29 

JEPHTHAH'S  DAUGHTER  -  33 

ELISHA  AND  THE  NAUGHTY  CHILDREN     -  -  37 

THE  STORY  OF  JOB       -  -  4-1 

JONAH           -         -         -         -         -         -         -  -  4<6 


OFT  TOLD  TALES  RETOLD 


Oft  Told  Tales  Retold 


Mar&a  Young  Salver 


Published  by  tKc  Author 

Glendale,  California 

1920 


DEDICATED 

TO  MY  BELOVED  HUSBAND,  ALFRED  MARK  SALYER 
AND  MY  DEAR  FRIEND  LONA  INGHAM  ROBINSON 


FOREWORD 

"T")  ROVE  all  things,  hold  fast  to  that  which  is  good." 
These  stories  were  taken  from  the  Holy  (?) 
Bible — at  least  that  was  on  the  cover.  The 
object  in  treating  them  in  every-day  language  is  not  to 
make  light  of  sacred  things,  or  to  destroy  any  one's 
faith  in  the  All-Good,  but  to  discover  truth  and  if  pos- 
sible to  tear  away  the  mantle  of  hypocrisy  that  covers 
with  a  "Thus  saith  the  Lord"  the  most  unspeakable 
atrocities  in  history.  I  have  endeavored  to  keep  as 
close  to  the  text  as  possible,  barring  the  few  comments, 
and  I  think  I  have  treated  the  subjects  with  as  much 
reverence  as  they  inspire.  The  stories  in  themselves 
are  quite  interesting  and  I  trust  the  reader  will  leave 
out  that  unction  that  usually  attaches  itself  to  the  mind 
on  reading  the  scriptures,  and  for  once,  give  his  mind 
freedom  to  act,  letting  these  stories  take  pot-luck  with 
others  of  a  fictitious  character. 

I  do  not  believe  for  one  moment  that  the  Great  First 
Cause  is  identical  with  the  Jewish  Jehovah  who  in  these 
stories  is  endowed  with  a  character  a  decent  man  would 
scorn  to  possess;  whose  very  name  was  jealousy  (Exo- 
dus 34:14),  and  who  was  green  with  jealousy  most  of 
the  time,  who  would  fly  in  a  passion  at  the  drop  of  a 
hat  and  kill  some  innocent  person  to  get  even  with  the 
guilty  (Josh.  7:5-24).  This  Jehovah  whose  knowledge 
of  astronomy  and  geology  was  commensurate  with  that 
of  his  chosen  people,  who  thought  the  earth  was  flat 


OQ7 

„  **  </  y 


and  l«ad  four  corners  and  four  winds — a  wind  for  every 
corner,  that  the  earth  was  the  whole  thing;  the  sun  a 
big  light ;  the  moon  a  lesser  one  surrounded  by  innumer- 
able little  lights  that  were  only  what  they  appeared  to 
be  and  were  created  for  the  sole  purpose  of  lighting 
this  little  world  of  ours.  Strange  to  say,  there  are,  in 
this  enlightened  age,  people  who  profess  to  believe  all 
this.  However  there  seems  to  be  a  rift  in  the  clouds 
in  some  quarters.  According  to  the  Literary  Digest  for 
May  24,  1919,  the  Protestant  Episcopal  church  may  de- 
cide to  drop  the  Old  Testament  readings  from  the  regu- 
lar church  service  and  from  the  Sunday  school.  It  has 
at  last  dawned  on  the  church  dignitaries  that  biogra- 
phies of  these  Biblical  characters  and  of  Jehovah  him- 
self are  not  fit  examples  to  set  before  the  young.  There 
was  nothing  Christ-like  about  Jehovah. 


ADAM  AND  EVE 

We  are  told  that  in  the  beginning,  God  created  the 
heavens  and  the  earth,  presumably  out  of  nothing,  and 
accomplished  it  all  in  six  days.  Vegetables  appeared 
first,  then  animals.  We  are  not  told  what  they  were  made 
of;  but  as  there  was  an  abundance  of  nothing  left,  per- 
haps that  was  the  material  that  composed  them.  He 
made  two  great  lights;  the  greater  light  to  rule  the  day 
and  the  lesser  light  to  rule  the  night;  and  from  the  ac- 
count, one  is  led  to  believe  that  the  only  cause  for  their 
creation  was  to  light  this  little  world  of  ours.  He  made 
the  stars  also — -merely  an  incident — and  pinned  them  up 
there  to  help  the  moon  light  the  earth  while  the  sun 
takes  a  rest.  When  everything  was  ready,  lie  took  some 
of  the  dust  of  the  earth  and  made  a  man — an  innocent, 
uninteresting  sort  of  a  creature  that  knew  neither  good 
nor  evil ;  who  went  wandering  around  not  knowing  what 
was  the  matter  with  him,  and  though  he  had  paradise  all 
to  himself,  he  was  not  happy.  Jehovah  knew  what  he 
wanted,  but  seemed  to  hesitate  as  he  must  have  had  an 
inkling  of  the  kind  of  being  he  had  to  make  and  the 
trouble  that  was  likely  to  follow.  So,  as  a  diversion  he 
brought  animals  to  Adam  to  name  and  see  if  he  could 
not  find  a  companion,  perhaps  among  the  higher  apes; 
but  none  could  be  found.  So  Jehovah  put  Adam  to 
sleep;  and  while  he  was  under  the  influence  he  per- 
formed a  major  operation  by  taking  out  one  of  his  ribs; 
and  of  this  rather  hard  substance  he  made  a  woman; 
still,  it  was  more  refined  than  dust  and  looked  very  well 
when  finished.  Adam  was  pleased  and  everything  went 

9 


well  for  a  time.  The  Lord  placed  them  in  a  garden 
and  told  them  they  could  eat  of  the  fruit  of  any  of  the 
trees  except  one;  that,  they  were  not  to  touch.  The 
penalty  being  death  the  day  they  ate  of  it.  For  a  time 
they  obeyed  the  command  and  would  have  kept  on  doing 
so  but  for  a  wily  serpent  that  had  a  wonderful  command 
of  language.  It  is  not  stated  whether  he  talked  in 
French  or  German  or  what.  One  enthusiast  says  it 
was  Hebrew.  It  may  have  been  Yiddish  for  all  I  know, 
it  would  do  as  well  as  any  other  so  long  as  he  talked 
to  the  point  which  the  serpent  certainly  did. 

One  day  while  the  serpent  was  taking  a  walk  (!)  in 
the  garden  he  spied  the  woman  and  began  to  question 
her  about  the  fruit;  and  Eve  not  knowing  there  was  any 
harm  in  talking  to  one  of  God's  creatures,  entered  into 
a  conversation  with  him;  no  doubt  glad  to  have  some- 
body to  talk  to  besides  Adam  who  was  on  the  dead  level, 
neither  good  nor  bad.  Who  can  blame  her,  ushered  into 
life  full  grown  with  no  childhood,  no  woman  to  swap 
gossip  with  over  the  back  fence,  no  chance  to  tell  how 
her  ancestors  came  over  in  the  Mayflower?  Poor  thing, 
she  had  no  ancestors;  only  a  predecessor,  this  one  and 
only  man,  and  he  was  nothing  to  brag  about. 

Well,  in  answer  to  the  serpent's  probing,  she  told  him 
that  God  had  forbidden  them  to  eat  of  a  certain  tree 
and  if  they  did,  they  would  surely  die  that  day.  This, 
the  serpent  denied,  saying  that  the  fruit  from  that  tree 
would  make  them  wise  and  that  they  would  not  die. 
Eve  realized  that  she  needed  all  the  wisdom  she  could 
get  and  had  a  slim  prospect  of  getting  any  from  Adam 
in  his  present  state;  she  knew  she  was  only  an  after- 
thought of  the  creator — a  side  issue — so  to  speak,  and 
no  doubt  was  often  reminded  of  the  fact.  Man  needed 

10 


her  and  she  had  to  come;  and  as  she  was  here  not  by 
her  own  volition,  she  thought  she  would  get  all  she 
could  out  of  life.  These  may  have  been  her  thoughts, 
anyhow  in  her  inexperience,  not  having  a  mother  or 
mother-in-law — especially  the  latter — to  give  her  advice, 
she  became  an  easy  mark  for  that  loquacious  serpent. 
It  was  always  a  wonder  to  me  how  that  thing  came  to 
be  in  the  garden  and  how  he  obtained  so  much  wisdom. 
Perhaps  he  had  eaten  of  the  fruit  himself  for  certainly 
he  showed  a  wonderful  intelligence  for  a  creature  of  his 
station  in  life.  Some  wise  ones  tell  us  that  it  was  the 
devil  in  the  form  of  a  serpent. 

Eve  listened  to  the  beast  and  thought  that  it  would  be 
no  harm  to  try  a  little  just  to  see  what  would  happen. 
One  can  picture  poor  Eve  turned  loose  in  a  garden  with 
nothing  to  do  and  nothing  to  wear.  So  she  took  a  bite 
of  the  apple  and  it  tasted  good  and  she  gave  some  to 
Adam.  Did  he  refuse  it  because  it  was  forbidden?  Not 
he.  Did  he  eat  it  to  become  wise?  No,  he  ate  it  that 
he  might  become  full.  For  once  the  serpent  told  the 
truth;  they  did  not  die  of  eating  the  fruit  and  they  be- 
came wise  to  the  fact  that  they  needed  clothes.  So  they 
had  to  scurry  around  and  dismantle  a  fig  tree  to  make 
themselves  aprons.  Needles  were  scarce  and  the  leaves 
were  brittle  and  Coates  or  Clarke  was  not  in  the  market. 
No  doubt  the  sweat  stood  out  on  Adam's  brow  before  the 
curse  was  pronounced.  In  their  hurry  to  be  dressed  for 
company  their  excitement  was  intense. 

It  seems  that  the  Lord  was  in  the  habit  of  taking  a 
daily  walk  in  the  garden  in  the  cool  of  the  day  and  why 
should  this  day  be  an  exception? 

As  the  shades  of  evening  began  to  gather,  suddenly 
they  heard  the  Lord  coming  and  were  scared.  It  was 

11 


likety  the  aprons  were  not  quite  finished;  so  they  ran 
and  hid.  God  called  unto  Adam,  and  said,  "Where  art 
thou?"  Adam  said,  "I  heard  thy  voice  in  the  garden 
and  was  afraid  because  I  was  naked;  and  hid  myself." 
And  the  Lord  said:  "Who  told  thee  that  thou  wast 
naked?  Hast  thou  eaten  of  the  tree  whereof  I  com- 
manded thee  that  thou  shouldst  not  eat?"  And  the  man 
said:  "The  woman  whom  thou  gavest  me  to  be  with 
me,  she  gave  me  of  the  tree  and  I  did  eat." 

Just  so,  man  began  at  an  early  day  to  lay  his  sins 
on  somebody  or  something.  It  was  not  a  nice  thing  for 
Adam  to  lay  all  the  blame  on  Eve.  I  have  often  won- 
dered what  Adam  was  doing  all  the  time  the  serpent 
was  getting  in  his  work.  Probably  asleep  in  some  cor- 
ner of  the  garden;  but  suddenly  came  to  life  when  the 
eating  began  and  had  a  full  portion  of  the  enjoyment, 
but  was  not  willing  to  share  the  blame. 

And  the  Lord  said  unto  the  woman,  "What  was  this 
that  thou  hast  done?'  And  the  woman  said,  "The  serpent 
beguiled  me  and  I  did  eat."  And  the  Lord  said  unto  the 
serpent:  "Because  thou  hast  done  this  thou  art  accursed 
above  every  beast  of  the  field ;  upon  thy  belly  shalt  thou 
go  and  dust  shalt  thou  eat  all  the  days  of  thy  life." 
(A  wonderful  menu.)  This  serpent  must  have  wiggled 
along  on  the  tip  of  his  tail  before  the  curse!  And  unto 
the  woman  he  said:  "I  will  greatly  multiply  thy  sorrow. 
In  sorrow  shalt  thou  bring  forth  children  and  thy  hus- 
band shall  rule  over  thee."  And  to  Adam  he  said: 
"Cursed  be  the  ground  for  thy  sake.  In  sorrow  shalt 
thou  eat  of  it  all  the  days  of  thy  life.  In  the  sweat  of 
thy  face  shalt  thou  eat  bread  till  thou  return  unto  the 
ground,  for  dust  thou  art  and  unto  dust  shalt  thou  re- 
turn." 

12 


And  God  sent  them  out  of  the  Garden  of  Eden. 
But  he  took  pity  on  them  in  their  scanty  fig-leaf  attire 
and  turned  tailor  himself  and  made  them  coats  of  skins. 
These  were  the  original  tailor-made  suits,  and  no  one 
can  say  the  workmanship  was  not  the  best,  and  the  style 
classy.  Then  was  the  dawn  of  civilization.  What  would 
civilization  be  without  clothes?  Too  bad  the  pattern 
of  those  garments  was  not  preserved  and  handed  down 
to  us;  it  would  have  saved  a  lot  of  bother  with  fashions 
especially  to  women.  Now  some  of  you  animated  ribs 
of  Adam  may  think  that  you  in  Eve's  place  would  have 
done  better;  but  you  wouldn't.  You  would  have  done 
things  to  that  fruit  that  Eve  never  dreamed  of.  You 
would  have  preserved  and  dried  it,  pickled  and  pied  it 
and  also  jarred  it  for  winter  use.  Not  only  that,  you 
would  have  saved  the  seed  and  soon  have  had  a  whole 
row  of  little  forbidden  trees  growing  in  the  back  yard. 
Poor  Eve  had  a  pretty  heavy  curse  placed  on  her;  but 
the  worst  thing  the  Lord  did  to  her  was  to  turn  her 
over  to  man,  giving  him  authority  over  her.  And  I  call 
heaven  and  earth  to  witness  he  has  done  his  best  to 
obey  God  in  this  respect.  He  may  have  been  slack  in 
other  things  but  never  in  this.  How  nobly  he  has  striven 
to  convince  her  that  he  and  she  are  one  and  he  is  it, 
and  has  succeeded  remarkably  well  until  the  new  woman 
appeared.  Woman  has  surely  paid  the  penalty  of  her 
ancestor's  wrong  doings. 


13 


NOAH  AND  THE  FLOOD 

Noah  was  an  old  man  before  the  incidents  in  this 
record  occurred.  In  fact  he  was  500  years  old  before 
he  had  any  children.  He  surely  had  arrived  at  years 
of  discretion  before  undertaking  the  responsibilities  of 
a  family. 

Just  why  he  remained  a  bachelor  so  long  is  a  matter 
of  speculation.  He  may  have  been  crossed  in  love  or 
never  met  the  right  one.  In  any  case,  he  must  have 
been  a  little  queer  to  postpone  that  event  for  so  many 
years.  In  spite  of  his  peculiarities  Noah  was  a  good 
man,  the  very  best  on  earth  at  that  time.  In  fact,  the 
world  was  so  bad  the  Lord  was  thoroughly  disgusted 
with  it  and  was  very  sorry  he  ever  made  it.  He  decided 
to  destroy  it  by  a  great  flood. 

But  Noah  found  favor  with  the  Lord  and  he  instructed 
him  how  to  make  an  ark  in  which  he  might  save  himself 
and  f  amity.  In  our  measurement  it  was  to  be  450  feet 
long,  75  feet  wide  and  45  feet  high.  It  was  to  be  plast- 
ered with  pitch  both  inside  and  outside;  was  three 
stories,  like  an  apartment  house,  with  one  window  and 
one  door! 

Into  this  boat  or  building  or  whatever  you  choose  to 
call  it,  were  to  be  gathered  Noah  and  his  wife,  his  three 
sons  and  their  wives;  eight  persons  in  all. 

In  addition  to  the  human  passengers  were  at  least  one 
pair  of  all  the  land  animals  in  the  world,  which  included 
all  quadrupeds,  birds,  reptiles  and  creeping  things.  Of 
the  clean  animals  he  was  to  take  seven  and  of  all  the 
others  but  two,  the  male  and  female.  The  clean  beasts, 

15 


according  to  the  Jewish  law,  were  all  quadrupeds  that 
divide  the  hoof  and  chew  the  cud.  Locusts,  beetles  and 
grasshoppers  were  included. 

Webster  gives  a  list  of  about  130  different  quad- 
rupeds and  of  that  number  it  would  be  safe  to  state 
that  at  least  five  or  six  of  them  are  clean;  so  there 
must  have  been  at  least  300  quadrupeds,  then  hundreds 
of  varieties  of  birds  and  reptiles  along  with  the  food 
that  had  to  be  stored  to  sustain  this  vast  and  varied 
menagerie,  to^say  nothing  of  the  water.  For,  although 
there  was  to  be  an  abundance  of  water  on  the  outside, 
no  provision  seems  to  have  been  made  for  the  inside. 
No  traveling  circus  ever  had  such  a  collection  of  animals, 
nor,  I  believe,  ever  will  have. 

These  all  had  to  be  stowed  in  their  air-tight,  water- 
tight compartments,  for  the  ark  had  only  one  window 
and  it  must  have  been  in  Noah's  stateroom.  At  the  end 
of  forty  days  he  opened  the  window  and  sent  out  a 
raven  and  then  sent  out  a  dove  to  see  if  the  waters  were 
abated  from  off  the  earth. 

But  the  dove  returned  because  she  found  no  rest  for 
the  sole  of  her  foot.  And  Noah  pulled  her  in.  He 
waited  seven  days  and  sent  her  out  again  and  she  re- 
turned in  the  evening  with  an  olive  leaf  in  her  mouth. 
So  Noah  knew  the  waters  were  abated. 

It  seems  the  window  was  not  an  observation  point, 
else  Noah  might  have  looked  out  and  seen  for  himself. 
As  for  opening  the  door,  that  was  out  of  the  question. 
For  aside  from  its  being  dangerous,  the  Lord  had  him- 
self shut  them  in  and  the  bolt  was  on  the  outside.  The 
window  must  have  been  quite  small,  for  it  was  finished 
above  with  "a  cubit;"  a  cubit  is  18  inches. 

16 


So  Noah  and  his  sons  must  have  had  the  time  of  their 
lives  feeding  those  creatures  in  the  dark  or  by  candle- 
light— nothing  is  said  about  ventilation — perhaps  they 
did  not  need  either  water  or  air  in  those  days. 

This  is  one  of  the  most  stupendous  miracles  recorded 
in  Holy  Writ.  Compared  with  it,  all  others  sink  into 
insignificance.  It  gives  one  an  excellent  opportunity  to 
exercise  credulity.  And,  as  the  saying  is,  "One  might 
as  well  die  for  a  sheep  as  a  lamb/' 


17 


ABRAHAM  OFFERING  UP  ISAAC 

Abraham  was  a  good  man  and  found  favor  with  the 
Lord;  and  God  told  him  his  descendants  would  become 
a  great  nation. 

In  those  days  God  talked  to  men  as  they  would  to  one 
another.  At  this  particular  time  he  was  accompanied 
by  two  angels  who  seemed  to  have  very  substantial 
bodies;  nor  were  they  vegetarians,  as  they  partook  of 
a  lunch  served  by  Abraham  and  his  servant,  consisting 
of  bread  and  butter  and  milk  and  dressed  veal,  all  being 
comfortably  seated  outside  the  tent. 

Sarah,  Abraham's  wife,  was  inside  the  tent  baking  the 
cakes  for  the  repast.  Although  busy  with  her  cake- 
making,  she  had  her  ears  open,  and  when  she  heard 
the  Lord  tell  Abraham  that  she  would  have  a  son  in  her 
old  age  (she  was  90  years  old  at  the  time  and  had  never 
been  a  mother),  she  laughed;  and  no  wonder.  Although 
it  was  the  one  thing  she  most  desired,  her  laugh  was 
one  of  doubt  rather  than  anticipation.  The  Lord  knew 
she  laughed  and  asked  her  why  she  did  so.  Sarah  got 
scared  and  denied  that  she  laughed,  but  there  was  no 
use  talking  back  to  God. 

In  due  time  Isaac  was  born  according  to  the  promise, 
and  was  very  much  beloved  by  both  parents.  Abraham 
had  other  children  by  other  women  but  they  did  not 
count.  In  fact  Isaac  had  a  little  half-brother  some 
years  older  than  himself  who,  for  a  childish  misde- 
meanor, offended  Sarah  and  was  packed  off  to  the  wil- 
derness with  his  mother,  who  had  been  Sarah's  maid,  to 
shift  for  themselves  as  best  they  might.  Abraham  did 

19 


not  like  it  but  Sarah  insisted,  and  to  keep  peace  in  the 
family  he  listened  to  the  voice  of  his  wife,  and  sent  the 
poor  things  away  with  only  a  bottle  of  water  and  a  little 
bread  which  soon  gave  out.  They  certainly  would  have 
perished  if  an  angel  had  not  come  to  the  rescue  who 
called  to  her  out  of  heaven  and  asked  her  what  ailed  her. 

In  those  days  it  seems  the  angels  were  around  handy 
where  they  could  do  most  good.  This  angel  told  her  that 
God  had  heard  the  voice  of  the  lad;  and  God  opened 
her  eyes  and  she  saw  a  well  of  water  and  she  refilled 
her  bottle  and  they  remained  in  the  wilderness  until  the 
lad  was  grown.  What  they  lived  on  is  a  matter  of  con- 
jecture; perhaps  the  angel  continued  his  ministrations. 

All  went  well  with  the  Abraham  family  until  God 
called  him  one  day  and  told  him  to  take  little  Isaac  and 
offer  him  up  as  a  burnt  offering.  It  was  a  staggering 
blow  to  Abraham,  but  either  through  faith  or  fear, 
he  thought  he  had  to  obey.  Abraham  wisely  kept  Sarah 
in  ignorance  of  the  whole  matter,  and  slipped  Isaac 
away  unbeknown  to  her  in  order,  no  doubt,  to  avoid  a 
family  row;  Sarah  might  not  have  been  impressed  with 
the  voice  out  of  the  clouds  that  ordered  the  death  of 
her  only  son.  She  might  have  thought  it  was  a  figment 
of  the  imagination.  We  have  had  some  modern  Abra- 
hams who  thought  they  heard  the  voice  of  God  telling 
them  to  sacrifice  some  of  their  children,  but  we  wisely 
send  them  to  the  insane  hospital.  But  there  was  no  one 
to  stop  Abraham  in  his  fanaticism.  So  he  got  up  early 
one  morning  and  saddled  his  ass  and  took  two  of  his 
young  men  and  Isaac  and  traveled  to  the  land  of  Monah 
where  there  were  mountains,  one  of  which  was  to  be 
the  place  for  the  sacrifice. 

20 


On  the  third  day  they  came  in  sight  of  the  moun- 
tain, and  Abraham  thought  it  best  to  leave  the  young 
men  to  take  care  of  the  ass,  while  he  and  Isaac  went 
on  alone  to  worship.  The  young  men  had  no  idea  of 
the  character  of  the  worship  Abraham  had  in  mind,  else 
they  might  have  objected. 

Abraham  piled  the  wood  on  Isaac's  back,  and  one 
can  imagine  the  little  fellow  trudging  along  with 
the  load  of  kindling,  little  dreaming  of  its  intended  use. 
Abraham  carried  the  knife  and  the  fire.  In  those  days 
matches  being  unknown,  they  had  to  "keep  the  home 
fires  burning"  all  the  time,  as  it  was  difficult  to  get  one 
started  just  when  they  needed  it. 

As  they  toiled  along  Isaac  noticed  they  had  every- 
thing necessary  for  the  sacrifice  except  the  thing  itself; 
so  he  said  to  his  father,  "Behold  the  fire  and  the  wood, 
but  where  is  the  lamb  for  the  burnt  offering?"  Abra- 
ham put  him  off  by  saying  that  God  would  provide  him- 
self a  lamb  for  a  burnt  offering. 

When  they  came  to  the  place  appointed,  Abraham 
built  an  altar  and  laid  the  wood  in  order.  Then  he 
took  hold  of  Isaac  and  bound  him.  It  is  not  difficult 
to  imagine  the  feelings  of  the  little  boy  when  he  saw 
the  altar  ablaze  waiting  for  the  sacrifice,  and  himself 
bound  hand  and  foot,  and  no  lamb  in  sight.  He  knew 
enough  about  the  habits  of  the  gods  in  those  days  to 
know  that  nothing  short  of  blood  would  stay  their 
wrath,  satisfy  their  vengeance  or  afford  them  the  pleas- 
ure they  took  in  such  orgies.  Heretofore  his  father  had 
offered  only  animals  to  the  Lord,  "the  only  true  God," 
but  the  way  things  appeared  at  that  moment,  it  seemed 
to  Isaac  there  was  going  to  be  a  change  in  the  menu. 
Hope  must  have  deserted  him  at  that  instant;  as  it 

21 


would  be  foolish  to  suppose  him  to  have  the  sustaining 
faith  his  daddy  had. 

And  Abraham  stretched  out  his  hand  and  took  the 
knife  to  stab  Isaac.  God  called  to  him  just  in  time, 
and  said,  "Lay  not  thy  hand  upon  the  lad,  for  I  know 
that  thou  fearest  God,  seeing  thou  has  not  withheld  thy 
son,  thine  only  son  from  me."  And  Abraham  lifted  up 
his  eyes  and  beheld  a  ram  caught  in  a  thicket  by  his 
horns ;  and  Abraham  took  the  ram  and  offered  him  up  for 
a  burnt  offering,  instead  of  his  son. 

All  is  well  that  ends  well;  and  Abraham  earned  for 
himself  the  title  of  the  Father  of  the  Faithful,  but  if 
you  will  notice,  God  did  not  recommend  him  for  his 
faith,  but  for  his  fear;  and  one  is  tempted  to  think 
"the  father  of  the  fearful"  would  have  been  more  ap-. 
propriate.  No  doubt  Abraham  was  badly  scared;  and 
if  Isaac  had  not  been  bound  hand  and  foot,  he  would 
have  given  the  old  man  the  race  of  his  life  back  to  home 
and  mother.  It  was  a  scary  time  for  both  of  them. 

I  have  often  wondered  if  Isaac  ever  told  his  mother 
what  a  close  call  he  had.  It  is  likely  the  old  man  bribed 
him  not  to  tell  her,  lest  she  doubt  his  sanity. 


22 


JACOB  AND  ESAU 

Isaac  and  Rebekah  had  two  sons  named  Esau  and 
Jacob.  Esau  was  the  elder  by  a  few  seconds.  It  seems 
these  twins  were  not  identical,  but  were  as  different  as 
brothers  could  be.  Esau  was  born  covered  all  over 
with  hair,  while  Jacob  had  a  smooth  skin.  Their 
habits,  too,  were  different  as  they  grew  up  to  be  men. 
Esau  loved  out-door  life  and  made  his  living  by  hunt- 
ing; he  often  brought  home  venison  which  tickled  the 
old  man  Isaac;  so  Esau  became  his  father's  favorite 
and  his  father  loved  him — another  proof  that  the  near 
cut  to  a  man's  heart  is  through  his  stomach. 

On  the  other  hand,  Jacob  loved  home  life,  which  no 
doubt  endeared  him  to  his  mother,  and  she,  knowing 
Isaac's  partiality  to  Esau,  felt  anxious  about  Jacob's 
future  destiny. 

One  day  Esau  came  home  from  an  unsuccessful  hunt, 
faint  from  lack  of  food,  and  his  brother  was  preparing 
a  mess  of  pottage,  whatever  that  was;  it  looked  good  to 
Esau  and  no  doubt  made  his  mouth  water.  So  he  asked 
Jacob  to  give  him  some.  But  Jacob,  who  had  keen 
business  instincts,  knew  how  easy  it  would  be  to  drive 
a  hard  bargain  with  a  hungry  man. 

So  he  told  Esau  if  he  would  part  with  his  birthright, 
he  would  give  him  the  food.  Esau  at  the  point  of  death 
could  see  no  advantage  in  a  birthright  to  a  dead  man; 
so  Jacob  made  him  swear  away  his  birthright — an  easy 
thing  to  do  under  the  circumstances,  taking  care  to  keep 
the  pottage  well  out  of  his  way  until  the  bargain  was 
completed.  Jacob  then  gave  him  the  food  and  Esau 


went  his  way,  soon  forgetting  the  brotherly  transaction 
as  an  unimportant  incident  in  his  life.  But  later,  to  his 
sorrow,  he  was  to  be  brought  to  the  realization  of  what 
a  far-seeing  cunning  fellow  his  brother  was. 

In  those  days  they  all  set  great  store  by  the  father's 
blessing,  and  Isaac  was  getting  old  and  expected  to  die 
any  day.  Rebekah,  eaves-dropping,  one  day  heard 
Isaac  tell  Esau  to  get  his  quiver  and  his  bow  and  go  to 
the  field  and  bring  some  venison  and  make  savoury  meat 
such  as  he,  Isaac  loved,  that  his  soul  might  bless  Esau 
before  he  died.  Isaac  knew  if  anything  could  inspire 
him  to  pronounce  the  proper  blessing,  it  would  be  the 
smell  of  that  venison,  much  more  the  taste  of  it. 

Isaac  never  had  the  reputation  and  fame  his  father, 
Abraham,  had;  he  had  only  one  wife  and  was  never, 
called  to  perform  the  stunt  of  offering  up  one  of  his 
sons  as  a  sacrifice;  he  had  never  distinguished  himself 
in  any  way,  except  by  his  gastronomic  tastes  which  he 
worked  to  a  finish. 

Rebekah,  who  had  had  her  ear  at  the  keyhole,  realized 
that  her  darling  Jacob  would  soon  be  left  an  unblessed 
orphan  unless  she  could  in  some  way  prevent  it.  So  she 
set  her  woman's  wits  to  work  to  circumvent  the  plans 
of  the  dying  man  and  his  favorite  son;  and  in  those 
days  a  lie,  if  it  answered  the  purpose,  was  as  good  as 
the  truth.  Anyhow,  Rebekah  knew  that  if  she  was 
doing  wrong,  good  would  come  of  it — which  sentiment 
has  been  held  by  some  people  nearer  home. 

After  Esau  had  started  out  to  hunt  for  venison,  Re- 
bekah; knowing  that  he  would  be  back  as  soon  as  he 
found  any,  hurried  to  tell  Jacob  to  go  to  the  flock  and 
bring  two  good  kids  and  she  would  make  savoury  meat, 
such  as  his  father  loved,  and  Jacob  was  to  take  it  to 

24 


his  father  and  let  him  eat  it,  so  that  Jacob  might  get 
the  coveted  blessing. 

Now  Rebekah  was  a  good  cook  and  could  duplicate 
anything  Esau  could  do  in  that  line.  Why  should  she 
order  two  kids?  Surely  one  would  have  been  enough 
for  a  dying  man.  But,  as  we  shall  see,  she  had  a  double 
intention;  one  kid's  skin  would  not  have  been  enough. 

Jacob  objected  to  the  scheme;  not  because  of  any 
compunctions  of  conscience,  but  from  fear  that  the  trick 
would  be  discovered  and  so  draw  down  a  curse  instead 
of  a  blessing.  Jacob  knew  that  though  his  father's 
sight  was  gone,  his  sense  of  touch  was  unimpaired  and 
that  in  all  probability  Isaac  would  want  to  feel  him; 
and  Esau  being  a  hairy  man,  and  he  himself  a  smooth 
man,  there  would  be  little  chance  to  avoid  detection. 
But  his  wise  mother  said,  "Upon  me  be  thy  curse,  my 
son,  only  obey  me." 

So  Jacob  brought  her  the  kids — history  does  not  state 
who  killed  them — and  Rebekah  put  the  meat  to  stewing 
or  roasting  or  whatever  it  took  to  make  the  savoury 
meat  such  as  her  husband's  soul  loved. 

In  the  meantime,  she  took  Esau's  best  suit  and  put 
it  on  Jacob.  Then  she  put  the  kid  skins  on  his  hands 
and  neck  and  gave  him  the  savoury  meat  to  take  to  his 
father.  With  this  camouflage,  Jacob  went  in  and  said, 
"My  father,"  and  Isaac  said,  "Here  am  I,  who  art 
thou,  my  son?" 

And  Jacob  said,  "I  am  Esau,  thy  first-born"  (lie 
number  One),  "I  have  done  what  you  told  me  to  do; 
sit  up  and  eat  the  venison  that  thy  soul  may  bless  me." 

And  Isaac  said,  "How  is  it  that  thou  hast  found  it  so 
quickly,  my  son?"  And  Jacob  said,  "Because  the  Lord 
brought  it  to  me."  (Lie  number  Two.)  And  Isaac  said 

25 


unto  Jacob,  "Come  near,  I  pray  thee,  that  I  may  feel 
thee,  my  son,  whether  thou  be  my  son  Esau  or  not." 
And  Jacob  went  near  unto  Isaac  to  be  felt.  No  doubt 
the  goose  flesh  stood  out  all  over  him  at  that  critical 
moment.  What  if  the  skins  would  slip?  The  fate  of 
nations  was  trembling  in  the  balance. 

The  deception  was  successful,  however,  although 
Isaac  had  some  doubt.  For  he  said,  "The  voice  is 
Jacob's  voice,  but  the  hands  are  the  hands  of  Esau." 
And  he  said  to  Jacob,  "Art  thou  my  very  son  Esau?" 
and  Jacob  said,  "I  am."  (Lie  number  Three!) 

Then  Isaac  told  him  to  bring  on  the  venison,  which 
he  did;  and  also  brought  wine;  and  Isaac,  after  re- 
galing himself  on  kid  and  wine,  felt  eminently  fitted 
to  pronounce  any  number  of  blessings  on  his  favorite, 
son.  So  he  told  Jacob  to  come  near  and  kiss  him; 
which  he  did.  Then  Isaac  smelled  Esau's  clothes  on 
Jacob  and  was  sure  he  was  right,  and  went  ahead  and 
blessed  him  to  everything  he  could  think  of. 

And  just  when  he  was  through,  along  came  Esau  with 
real  venison  made  into  savory  meat.  But  Isaac  had 
had  his  fill  and  could  eat  no  more.  Then  Esau  said, 
"Let  my  father  arise  and  eat  of  his  son's  vension  that 
thy  soul  may  bless  me."  And  Isaac  said,  "Who  art 
thou?"  And  Esau  said,  "I  am  thy  son,  thy  first-born 
Esau." 

By  that  time  poor  old  Isaac  was  worked  into  a  nervous 
chill  and  trembled  very  exceedingly  and  said,  "Where 
is  he  that  brought  me  venison?  And  I  ate  all  before 
you  came,  and  have  blessed  him;  yea,  and  he  shall  be 
blessed." 

And  when  Esau  heard  the  words  of  his  father,  he 
cried  with  a  great  and  exceedingly  bitter  cry.  No  won- 

26 


der  he  was  bitter  when  he  found  his  whole  family  had 
gone  back  on  him;  even  his  father,  whom  he  thought  he 
could  always  count  on.  And  he  asked  his  father  if 
he  had  only  one  blessing.  But,  it  seems,  the  old  gen- 
tleman, under  the  stimulation  of  the  mock  venison  and 
the  wine,  had  poured  out  all  the  blessing  that  was 
worth  while  on  Jacob;  so  there  was  little  left  in  his 
reservoir  to  give  to  Esau. 

However,  he  gave  him  what  few  scraps  he  could 
find,  which  was  far  from  satisfying  Esau.  After  that 
Esau  hated  Jacob,  and  said,  "He  was  rightly  named 
Jacob,  which  means  supplanter.  For  he  hath  sup- 
planted me  these  two  times.  He  took  away  my  birth- 
right and  now  he  hath  taken  away  my  blessing." 

The  reader  is  left  to  take  whatever  lessons  he  can 
out  of  this  Bible  story.  We  have  heard  some  far-fetched 
theories  of  a  great  spiritual  significance  attached  to  it, 
but  so  far  as  I  am  concerned  the  reader  must  unravel 
it  for  himself.  But  a  blind  man  can  see  where  the 
reward  fell. 


27 


JOSHUA'S  EXPLOITS 

Joshua  was  an  Israelitish  general  who  succeeded 
Moses.  He  was  a  great  warrior  and  was  chosen  by 
Jehovah  to  bring  the  Children  of  Israel  into  the  prom- 
ised land  of  Canaan.  So  he  sent  two  men  secretly  to 
spy  Jerico.  These  men  came  to  the  house  of  a  woman 
of  ill  repute  and  she  turned  traitor  to  her  country  and 
harbored  them  in  order  to  save  herself  and  family.  She 
told  her  countrymen  that  the  men  had  gone,  she  did  not 
know  where.  But  she  had  hidden  them  on  the  roof, 
covering  them  with  stalks  of  flax. 

The  woman,  whose  name  was  Rahab,  made  the  men 
swear  that  when  the  Israelites  took  the  city,  they  would 
spare  her  and  all  her  family;  and  the  men  swore  by 
the  Lord  they  would  do  what  she  asked. 

This  woman's  house  was  upon  the  town  wall  and  she 
let  them  down  by  a  cord  through  the  window.  They 
told  her  to  gather  all  her  family  and  friends  and  all 
stay  inside  the  house;  and  to  bind  the  scarlet  line  that 
they  were  let  down  by,  in  the  window  as  a  sign  to  the 
Israelites  to  spare  that  house. 

The  spies  came  back  to  the  camp  of  Israel  and  re- 
ported to  Joshua,  giving  a  glowing  account  of  the  pos- 
sibilities of  taking  the  city  he  sent  them  to  spy. 

So  Joshua  brought  all  the  Children  of  Israel  down 
to  the  river  Jordan  and  camped  there  three  days  and 
officers  went  through  the  camp  and  told  the  people  to 
follow  the  Ark  of  the  Covenent  wherever  it  went.  So 
the  priests  took  up  the  Ark  and  went  before  the  peo- 


pie  and  when  they  came  to  the  brink  of  Jordan  they 
stood  still. 

Here  Joshua  made  a  speech  to  the  Israelites  telling 
of  the  great  thing  the  Lord  was  going  to  do  that  day. 
"And  as  they  that  bare  the  Ark  were  come  unto  Jordan, 
and  the  feet  of  the  priests  that  bare  the  Ark  were 
dipped  in  the  brim  of  the  water,  for  Jordan  overflowed 
all  his  banks  at  that  time,  the  waters  which  came  down 
from  above  rose  up  in  a  heap  so  the  people  passed  over 
on  dry  land."^ 

There  must  have  been  a  tremendous  amount  of  water 
by  the  time  the  whole  camp  of  Israel  passed  over.  The 
Lord  made  it  easy  for  his  own  in  those  days  when  they 
could  cross  rivers  without  bridges! 

When  the  Israelites  passed  over  the  river  Jordan, 
the  first  city  to  be  taken  was  Jericho,  a  walled  city. 
And  all  the  inhabitants  were  inside  and  had  the  gates 
shut;  but  that  could  not  save  them.  For  Joshua  had 
his  men  march  round  it  once  a  day  for  six  days  and 
seven  priests  had  seven  trumpets  of  ram's  horns,  and 
the  seventh  day  they  marched  around  it  seven  times 
and  blew  the  trumpets;  and  at  a  long  blast  the  people 
shouted  with  a  great  shout,  and  the  wall  of  the  city 
fell  down  flat  and  it  was  at  the  mercy  of  the  Israel- 
itish  soldiers  which  had  been  commended  to  kill  and 
spare  not.  They  killed  everybody  except  those  who 
were  in  the  house  of  Rahab,  men,  women  and  children, 
even  the  oxen  and  sheep  and  asses.  The  silver  and 
gold  they  were  to  bring  into  the  treasury  of  the  Lord. 
It  seems  the  Lord  had  no  objection  to  receiving  some  of 
the  accursed  stuff  in  his  treasury.  Doubtless  it  was 
sanctified  or  sterilized  before  it  was  deposited  in  the 
Ark,  otherwise  it  might  have  been  tainted  money.  But 

30 


everything  else  was  destroyed.  The  men  were  not  al- 
lowed to  take  anything  out  of  the  city  on  the  penalty 
of  death.  All  obeyed  except  one  man,  Achan,  who 
took  a  goodly  garment  and  some  silver  and  gold  and 
hid  them  in  his  tent.  For  that  the  anger  of  tHe  Lord 
was  kindled  against  the  Children  of  Israel  and  when 
they  went  to  war  the  battle  went  against  them  and 
they  fled  before  their  enemies  and  thirty-six  of  them 
were  killed. 

It  seemed  hard  luck  for  so  many  innocent  men  to 
be  sacrificed  for  the  sin  of  one  man,  but  that  was  the 
idea  of  justice  that  prevailed  at  that  time,  and  who 
are  we  to  dispute  it? 

The  Israelites  were  so  badly  routed  that  it  caused 
Joshua  and  the  elders  of  Israel  great  sorrow;  and  as 
usual  in  such  cases  Joshua  rent  his  clothes  and  fell  flat 
on  his  face  before  the  Ark  of  the  Lord  until  the  even 
tide,  he  and  the  elders  of  Israel,  and  put  dust  upon 
their  heads. 

Then  Joshua  began  to  talk  to  God  and  asked  him 
why  he  had  brought  the  people  over  Jordan  to  deliver 
them  up  to  their  enemies.  He  told  Him  "the  Canaan- 
ites  and  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  land  would  hear  of 
it  and  environ  round  and  cut  off  our  nation  from  the 
earth;  and  what  wilt  thou  do  with  thy  great  name?" 
Appealing  to  God's  pride  of  reputation. 

It  had  the  desired  effect ;  for  God  told  Joshua  to  "Get 
up,  why  liest  thou  thus  upon  thy  face?"  One  can 
hardly  refrain  from  speculating  a  little  on  this  ancient 
idea  of  justice.  Jehovah  might  in  the  goodness  of 
his  heart,  have  given  Joshua  an  inkling  of  who  the 
guilty  party  was  and  saved  the  lives  of  innocent  men. 
One  can  only  excuse  him  on  the  ground  that  his  anger 

31 


had  been  kindled  so  hot  he  hadn't  time  to  take  a  sec- 
ond thought.  And  Joshua  had  all  he  could  do  to  bring 
him  to  his  senses. 

As  soon  as  Jehovah's  wrath  began  to  cool  he  told 
Joshua  to  get  up  and  sanctify  the  people,  whatever 
that  might  mean,  for  there  was  an  accursed  thing  in 
the  midst  of  them.  So  in  the  morning  they  assembled 
and  the  Lord  picked  out  the  tribe,  and  then  the  fam- 
ily, and  then  the  guilty  individual,  whose  name  was 
Achan,  who  confessed  what  he  had  done.  So  sentence 
was  passed — not  on  him  alone,  but  on  his  sons  and  his 
daughters,  his  oxen  and  his  asses  and  his  sheep  and  his 
tent.  And  if  he  had  a  dog  or  cat  or  canary  bird  they 
surely  went  with  the  rest;  for  everything  he  had  was 
to  be  "stoned  with  stones  and  burned  with  fire." 

Civilization  was  shocked  at  the  atrocities  committed 
by  the  Germans  in  Belgium,  but  it  can  read  this  story 
without  blinking  an  eye,  and  attribute  all  to  the  in- 
scrutible  ways  of  Providence.  "God  is  Love." 


32 


JEPHTHAH'S  DAUGHTER 

This  story  has  been  used  as  a  lesson  in  filial  obedi- 
ence by  a  certain  organization,  no  matter  what  its  name 
at  this  time,  and  Jephthah's  daughter  has  been  held  up 
as  a  shining  example  for  the  young  to  follow,  with  the 
injunction  implied  if  not  spoken,  "Go  thou  and  do  like- 
wise/' 

In  order  fully  to  appreciate  and  sympathize  with  this 
story,  one  must  get  into  an  hypnotic  state  and  stay  in 
it  with  an  "O,  thou!"  sort  of  feeling,  a  treading  on  air, 
keeping  out  of  the  way  of  common  sense. 

Jephthah  was  a  great  warrior  and  on  going  out  to 
battle,  made  a  bargain  with  the  Lord  that  if  his 
enemies  were  delivered  into  his  hand,  he  would  do 
nicely  by  him;  offer  him  something  worth  while.  Je- 
hovah had  had  so  many  burnt  beef  offerings  that 
Jephthah  thought  it  would  be  nice  to  change  the  bill 
of  fare.  So  he  told  the  Lord  he  would  make  a  bon-fire 
of  anything  that  came  out  of  his  house  to  meet  him, 
coming  from  victory. 

Tradition  does  not  state  whether  the  Lord  agreed  to 
this  contract  or  not;  but  certain  it  is  Jephthah  came 
back  victorious,  and  in  all  probability  had  forgotten  his 
vow,  as  we  are  all  apt  to  forget  the  resolutions  we  make 
in  time  of  need,  when  prosperity  overtakes  us. 

Jephthah's  memory  returned  with  a  sudden  thud, 
when  he  saw  his  young  daughter,  his  only  child,  coming 
to  meet  him  with  timbrels  and  with  dances.  Now  what 
would  be  more  natural  than  for  a  young  girl  to  go  out 
and  meet  her  father  coming  home  safe  from  war?  Poor 

33 


thing,  she  did  not  know  what  a  fool  father  she  had. 
Her  appearance  only  struck  terror  to  the  heart  of 
Jephthah  and  when  he  saw  her  he  tore  his  clothes — 
a  favorite  way  of  expressing  grief  in  those  days,  also 
they  put  ashes  on  their  heads — Jephthah  omitted  the 
ashes. 

When  Jephthah  came  near  enough,  he  said,  "Alas! 
my  daughter!"  and  then  told  her  of  his  vow  to  God, 
and  how  he  had  opened  his  mouth  unto  the  Lord  and 
couldn't  go  back.  (He  had  got  his  foot  in  it.) 

It  is  to  be  hoped  Pershing  or  Foch  or  any  of  the 
victorious  generals  have  not  made  any  such  rash 
promises.  If  the  Kaiser  had  only  thought  in  time  and 
struck  a  bargain  with  God  promising  to  offer  up  the 
Crown  Prince  as  a  sweet-smelling  savor,  who  can  tell, 
the  tide  of  battle  might  have  turned  in  his  favor, 
though  the  fashion  in  offerings  has  changed  some  since 
Jephthah's  day,  which  was  a  good  thing  especially  since 
the  late  war  began  and  all  the  surplus  beef  and  mut- 
ton had  to  be  sent  to  feed  the  allies. 

But  to  proceed  with  our  story.  Jephthah's  daughter 
said,  "My  father,  if  thou  hast  opened  thy  mouth  unto 
the  Lord,  do  to  me  according  to  that  which  proceeded 
out  of  thy  mouth."  She  begged  him,  however,  to  give 
her  two  months  to  think  it  over,  and  that  she  and  her 
fellows  might  go  to  the  mountains  and  bewail  her  con- 
dition. He  was  kind  enough  to  grant  her  request. 

Two  months  was  a  long  time  to  contemplate  that 
fiery  funeral.  One  could  die  a  thousand  deaths  in 
that  length  of  time,  but  Jephthah's  daughter  was  no 
ordinary  person.  Doubtless  she  was  buoyed  up  with 
the  thought  that  she  had  to  save  her  daddy's  face  and 
that  somewhere,  sometime,  she  would  be  rewarded. 

I  wonder  how  many  of  our  modern  girls,  who  have 

34 


had  this  handed  out  to  them  as  a  shining  example  to 
follow,  ever  gave  it  a  serious  thought! 

The  question  arises:  Who  or  what  did  Jephthah 
expect  to  come  out  of  his  house  to  meet  him?  His 
dog?  Or  his  pet  cat?  Perish  the  thought!  That 
would  never  do;  to  offer  a  dog  or  a  cat  to  God.  That 
would  have  been  an  abomination.  Evidently  it  was  not 
his  daughter.  He  had  no  son.  After  thinking  it  over 
carefully,  but  not  necessarily  prayerfully,  one  comes  to 
the  conclusion  it  was  his  wife  he  expected  to  meet  him. 
Yes,  it  must  have  been  his  wife. 

Now,  if  it  had  been  a  stalwart  son,  this  story  would 
have  had  a  very  different  ending.  The  son  would  prob- 
ably have  said,  if  they  had  used  slang  in  those  days, 
"Dad's  getting  nutty."  And  would  have  taken  steps 
to  have  him  incarcerated  in  a  private  sanitarium.  It 
made  a  great  deal  of  difference  what  sex  one  belonged 
to  in  those  days. 

This  story  was  written  long  before  suffragettes  ap- 
peared on  earth.  The  new  woman  was  not  even 
thought  of. 

Now  if  Mrs.  Jephthah  had  been  an  up-to-date  woman, 
she  would  have  made  good  use  of  those  two  months; 
and  some  moonlight  night  would  have  skipped  out  with 
her  daughter  to  the  camp  of  the  Philistines  and  have 
sent  word  back  to  the  old  man  that  they  would  return 
when  he  got  over  his  religious  mania.  But  there  was 
no  one  to  save  Jephthah's  daughter.  No  voice  out  of 
the  clouds,  as  in  the  case  of  Abraham  when  he  was 
about  to  stick  the  knife  in  Isaac  and  God  called  to  stay 
his  hand.  She  was  made  the  sacrifice.  In  her  case 
filial  obedience  had  gone  to  seed. 

35 


Thus  ends  this  beautiful,  bloody  scripture  lesson.  Let 
us  hope  that  the  majority  of  people  have  a  better  opin- 
ion of  God,  than  to  think  he  required  or  enjoyed  such 
orgies.  It  is  a  question,  however,  whether  the  new 
way  of  worship  is  very  much  better  than  the  old.  One 
thing  in  its  favor,  it  costs  less.  They  can  offer  up  all 
the  fulsome  flattery  and  praise  the  mind  can  think  of; 
it  costs  them  nothing.  Whether  it  is  accepted  or  not 
is  another  question.  God  has  stopped  talking  to  man 
for  ages  and  I  .suppose  we  will  have  to  die  to  find  out. 


36 


ELISHA  AMD  THE  NAUGHTY 
CHILDREN 

Elijah  was  a  prophet  of  Israel  who  was  very  zeal- 
ous for  the  worship  of  God  and  was  ready  and  willing 
to  annihilate  any  who  did  not  worship  the  way  he  did. 
So  he  took  the  prophets  of  Bael  and  slew  them,  not 
letting  one  escape.  This  conduct  seems  to  have  pleased 
Jehovah  so  well  that  he  was  considered  worthy  to 
escape  the  common  lot  of  mankind  by  being  taken 
up  bodily  to  heaven  in  a  chariot  of  fire. 

Elisha  was  an  understudy  of  Elijah  and  proved  an 
apt  student;  and  when  the  day  came  for  Elijah  to  be 
translated,  he  tried  to  get  away  from  Elisha;  but  he 
stuck  closer  than  a  brother,  saying,  "As  the  Lord  liveth 
and  as  thy  soul  liveth,  I  will  not  leave  thee." 

And  they  two  went  on  and  stood  by  the  river  Jordan 
and  Elijah  took  his  mantle  and  wrapped  it  together 
and  smote  the  waters  and  they  were  driven  hither  and 
thither,  so  that  they  two  went  over  on  dry  land. 

And  Elijah  said  to  Elisha,  "Ask  what  I  shall  do  for 
thee  before  I  be  taken  away  from  thee."  And  Elisha 
said,  "I  pray  thee,  let  a  double  portion  of  thy  spirit 
be  upon  me." 

And  Elijah  said,  "Thou  hast  asked  a  hard  thing. 
Nevertheless,  if  thou  seest  me  when  I  am  taken  from 
thee,  it  shall  be  so  done  unto  thee;  but  if  not,  it  shall 
not  be  so.  And  it  came  to  pass  as  they  still  went  on 
and  talked  that  behold!  there  appeared  a  chariot  of 

37 


fire  and  horses  of  fire,  and  parted  them  and  Elijah  went 
up  by  a  whirlwind  into  heaven.  And  Elisha  saw  it  and 
he  cried,  "My  father!  My  father!  The  chariot  of 
Israel  and  the  horseman  thereof!"  And  he  saw  him  no 
more.  And  he  took  hold  of  his  own  clothes  and  rent 
them  into  two  pieces. 

He  took  up  also  the  mantle  of  Elijah  that  fell  from 
him  and  smote  the  waters  and  said,  "Where  is  the  Lord 
God  of  Elijah?*'  And  when  he  also  had  smitted  the 
waters  they  parted  hither  and  thither,  and  Elisha  went 
over.  So  the  spirit  of  Elijah  rested  on  Elisha  and  he 
went  about  doing  wonders. 

And  he  went  up  from  thence  unto  Bethel;  and  as 
he  was  going  up  by  the  way,  there  came  forth  little  chil- 
dren out  of  the  city  and  mocked  him  and  said,  "Go  up 
thou  bald  head!"  Elisha  got  angry  (Jehovah-like)  and 
he  turned  and  looked  on  them  and  cursed  them  in  the 
name  of  the  Lord.  And  there  came  forth  two  bears 
out  of  the  wood  and  tare  forty  and  two  children  of  them. 
They  must  have  been  very,  very  small  indeed  for  two 
bears  to  tare  so  many.  But  these  were  special  bears, 
no  doubt,  prepared  for  the  occasion.  'Twas  too  bad, 
since  Elisha  was  so  sensitive  about  his  bald  head  he 
did  not  wear  a  toupee  or  wig.  The  question  arises 
where  did  the  souls  of  those  naughty  children  go?  We 
pass  it  up  to  some  theologian  better  posted  on  the 
methods  of  Jehovah  than  we.  It  'might  be  they 
caught  up  with  Elijah  and  got  a  free  ride  into  the 
kingdom  on  the  chariot  of  fire,  as  the  event  happened 
so  shortly  after  Elijah's  flight.  Elisha  must  have  been 
feeling  particularly  pious  at  that  time  and  embraced 
the  first  opportunity  to  do  some  meritorious  act  to 

38 


demonstrate  how  much  of  Elijah's  spirit  fell  from 
him  as  he  went  up. 

The  poor  kids  little  dreamed  what  was  going  to  hap- 
pen to  them  for  their  thoughtless  sport;  and  judging 
by  the  instantaneous  success  of  his  cursing  Elisha  must 
have  had  a  triple  portion  of  the  spirit  of  Elijah  fall 
upon  him. 

Moral:  Teach  your  children  not  to  make  fun  of  any- 
body, especially  bald-heads.  "Suffer  little  children  to 
come  unto  me  and  forbid  them  not.  For  of  such  is 
the  kingdom  of  heaven."  * 

Did  Elisha  send  the  children  to  heaven  in  job  lots, 
or  to  the  other  place?  Who  can  tell? 


39 


THE  STORY  OF  JOB 

There  was  a  man  whose  name  was  Job  and  he  dwelt 
in  the  land  of  Uz,  wherever  that  may  be.  This  man 
was  perfect  and  upright  in  all  his  ways.  He  was 
blessed  with  seven  sons  and  three  daughters,  who  had 
nothing  to  do  but  enjoy  themselves  feasting  in  one 
another's  houses,  as  Job  was  very  rich  and  also  gener- 
ous with  his  family.  Not  only  did  he  provide  the  means 
for  their  physical  enjoyment  but  for  their  spiritual  as 
well,  in  that  he  regularly  made  sacrifices  and  burnt 
offerings  in  case  they  might  sin  unknown  to  him. 

One  day  when  the  sons  of  God  came  to  present  them- 
selves before  the  Lord,  Satan  came  also  among  them; 
and  the  Lord  asked  Satan  whence  he  came.  And  Satan 
answered,  "From  going  to  and  fro  on  the  earth  and  from 
walking  up  and  down  in  it'." 

Then  the  Lord  and  the  devil  entered  into  a  friendly 
chat  with  regard  to  Job.  The  Lord  asked  Satan  if  he 
had  noticed  Job  and  how  good  and  perfect  he  was.  Sa- 
tan not  being  specially  impressed  with  Job's  goodness, 
answered  the  question  Yankee-like  by  asking  another. 
"Does  Job  serve  God  for  naught?"  Then  he  reminded 
the  Lord  how  he  had  prospered  Job  and  hedged  him 
about  and  made  it  easy  for  him.  But  said  Satan,  "Put 
forth  thine  hand  and  touch  all  that  he  hath  and  he  will 
curse  thee  to  thy  face." 

The  Lord  did  not  say  "Get  thee  behind  me,  Satan/' 
but  was  willing  to  prove  Job's  integrity  regardless  of 
the  sacrifice  of  life  and  property;  and  turned  poor  Job 

41 


over  to  the  tender  mercies  of  the  devil,  who  was  now 
to  experiment  with  all  that  pertained  to  Job  except  his 
ov/n  person.  Satan  lost  no  time,  but  made  haste  to 
embrace  the  unusual  opportunity  of  doing  mischief  with 
the  permission  of  God  himself. 

So,  shortly  after  this  dialogue,  when  Job's  sons  and 
daughters  were  feasting  at  their  elder  brother's  house, 
the  messengers  of  ill  tidings  came  pouring  in  on  Job 
so  thick  and  fast  that  one  hardly  had  time  to  tell  his 
tale  of  woe  before  another  came  running  to  unburden 
himself  on  the  hapless  man. 

The  first  one  said:  "The  oxen  were  plowing  and  the 
asses  feeding  beside  them,  and  the  Sabeans  fell  upon 
them  and  took  them  away;  yea,  they  have  slain  the 
servants  with  the  edge  of  the  sword  and  I  only  am 
escaped  to  tell  thee." 

While  he  was  yet  speaking  there  came  another  and 
said  the  fire  of  God  is  fallen  from  heaven  and  hath 
burned  up  the  sheep  and  the  servants  and  I  only  am 
escaped  to  tell  thee."  The  Lord  in  this  instance  lent  a 
helping  hand  to  the  devil  by  furnishing  the  fire. 

The  next  came  with  news  that  the  Chaldeans  made 
out  three  bands  and  had  carried  away  the  camels  and 
had  killed  the  servants  (who  of  course  did  not  count 
for  much  in  those  days).  The  only  thing  that  counted 
was  how  Job  would  take  it. 

The  next  came  with  news  that  struck  a  little  nearer 
home.  He  said  "Thy  sons  and  thy  daughters  were  eat- 
ing in  their  eldest  brother's  house  and  there  came  a 
great  wind  from  the  wilderness  (probably  a  cyclone) 
and  struck  the  house  and  fell  upon  the  young  people 
and  they  are  dead,  and  I  only  am  escaped  alone  to  tell 
thee/* 

42 


By  that  time  it  was  up  to  Job  to  do  something,  and 
do  it  quickly.  Then  Job  arose  and  rent  his  clothes 
(which  later  furnished  his  wife  a  job  at  patching)  and 
fell  upon  the  ground  and  worshiped;  and  said  among 
other  things:  "The  Lord  gave  and  the  Lord  hath  taken 
away.  Blessed  be  the  name  of  the  Lord/'  In  all  this 
Job  sinned  not  nor  charged  God  foolishly." 

One  might  think  the  devil  would  have  been  satisfied 
with  this  exhibition  of  Job's  patience;  but  no,  the  devil 
still  had  quite  a  number  of  things  up  his  sleeve  to  spring 
on  Job,  with  God's  help. 

"And  there  was  a  day  when  the  sons  of  God  came 
to  present  themselves  before  the  Lord";  and  Satan 
came  also;  and  the  Lord  asked  him  whence  he  came 
and  Satan  answered,  "From  going  to  and  fro  on  the 
earth  and  walking  up  and  down  in  it."  Just  as  saucy 
and  independent  as  ever.  And  the  Lord  said,  "Satan, 
have  you  considered  my  servant  Job,  that  there  is  none 
like  him  in  all  the  earth?  A  perfect  and  upright  man; 
although  you  have  been  moving  me  against  him  to  de- 
stroy him  without  cause." 

Of  course  the  devil  had  been  considering  Job  and 
had  gone  to  the  limit  of  his  license  in  tormenting  him, 
but  still  he  would  not  give  up.  So  he  said  to  God,  "Skin 
for  skin;  all  that  a  man  hath  will  he  give  for  his  life. 
But  put  forth  thine  hand  now  and  touch  his  bone  and 
his  flesh  and  he  will  curse  thee  to  thy  face."  And  the 
Lord  said  to  Satan,  "He  is  in  your  hands;  but  save 
his  life."  The  devil  must  have  chuckled  to  get  such 
an  opportunity.  He  well  knew  what  agonies  he  was 
capable  of  inflicting  this  side  of  death.  So  the  devil 
hied  himself  to  Job  and  smote  him  with  sore  boils  from 
the  sole  of  his  foot  to  the  crown  of  his  head. 

43 


Now  any  body  who  has  had  one  boil  can  appreci- 
ate what  that  meant.  And  he  took  him  a  potsherd  to 
scrape  himself  withal,  and  sat  down  among  the  ashes. 

Job's  wife  thought  he  had  about  reached  the  limit; 
and  she  herself  must  have  been  feeling  wretchedly,  hav- 
ing lost  her  children;  but  of  course  the  narrative 
centers  around  the  holy  man.  So  she  told  Job  to  curse 
God  and  die.  But  he,  intimating  that  she  spoke  foolish- 
ly, said,  "What?  Shall  we  receive  good  from  the  hand  of 
God,  and  shall  we  not  receive  evil?"  In  all  this  Job 
did  not  sin  with  his  lips,  but  no  telling  what  he  thought 
inside  of  him! 

When  Job's  three  friends  heard  of  his  trouble  they 
came  to  comfort  him;  and  they  wept  and  as  usual, 
rent  their  clothes  and  put  dust  on  their  heads  and  sat 
down  beside  him  but  said  nothing  for  seven  days  and 
seven  nights  (As  well  for  Job  had  they  adhered  to  that 
program  to  the  end.) 

At  last  Job  broke  the  silence  and  began  to  curse — 
not  God,  as  the  devil  had  expected,  but  his  birthday; 
calling  for  a  lot  of  impossible  things  to  happen  to  it. 

Then  one  of  his  three  friends,  each  of  whom  had  a 
cure  in  his  pocket,  began  to  rub  it  in  on  Job,  and  to 
give  him  the  kind  of  comfort  he  did  not  need,  and  Job 
would  answer  as  best  he  could  and  each  friend  in  turn 
would  air  his  pet  theory  of  life  in  general  and  Job  in 
particular,  differing  in  some  things  but  a  unit  in  blam- 
ing Job  himself  for  all  the  calamities  that  befel  him. 
(You  see,  they  were  in  ignorance  of  the  little  job  the 
Lord  and  the  devil  had  put  up  on  Job.)  But  they 
failed  to  convince  him  that  he  was  to  blame  and  they 
ceased  talking  because  he  was  righteous  in  his  own 
eyes. 

44 


Then  was  kindled  the  wrath  of  Elihu,  because  Job 
justified  himself  rather  than  God.  He  had  modestly 
waited  for  the  elders  to  talk  till  he  was  so  full  of  the 
matter  he  could  hold  in  no  longer,  so  he  unburdened 
himself  on  Job  and  said  many  things  in  behalf  of  God. 

Then  the  Lord  took  a  hand  in  the  conversation  and 
convinced  Job  how  small  he  was;  and  Job  said  he  ab- 
horred himself  and  would  repent  in  dust  and  ashes. 
But  now  the  wrath  of  the  Lord  was  kindled  against 
Job's  three  friends,  and  they  had  to  appease  it  by 
offering  seven  bullocks  and  seven  rams.  And  Job 
prayed  for  them.  And  the  Lord  turned  the  captivity  of 
Job  when  he  prayed  for  his  friends,  and  gave  Job 
twice  as  much  as  he  had  before  and  all  his  friends 
flocked  to  him  when  his  prosperity  returned.  He  also 
had  seven  sons  and  three  daughters. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  devil  was  thoroughly  con- 
vinced of  Job's  integrity — but  at  what  a  tremendous 
expense ! 


45 


JONAH 


Jonah  was  a  prophet  of  the  Lord  and  the  Lord  told 
him  to  go  to  Nineveh,  a  very  wicked  city,  and  cry 
against  it;  but  Jonah  did  not  want  to  preach  to 
Nineveh  andjran  away  and  got  in  a  ship.  But  a  great 
storm  arose  and  the  sailors  were  badly  frightened  and 
every  one  began  to  call  on  his  particular  God. 

The  captain  went  below  and  found  Jonah  taking  a 
comfortable  nap  quite  oblivious  to  the  storm  raging 
above.  The  captain  told  him  to  get  up  and  call  upon 
his  God;  since  all  the  other  gods  had  failed,  he  was 
ready  to  have  Jonah  try  his.  But  the  storm  still  con- 
tinued. Then  the  men  all  cast  lots  and  the  lot  fell  on 
Jonah,  who  now  had  to  confess  what  he  had  done  and 
told  them  his  god  was  the  one  and  only  true  God.  Then 
the  men  were  worse  scared  than  ever  and  asked  Jonah 
wrhat  they  should  do  to  him  in  order  to  make  the  sea 
calm  to  them;  and  he  said,  "Cast  me  into  the  sea,  for 
I  know  that  for  my  sake  this  great  tempest  is  upon 
you." 

The  men  were  unwilling  to  sacrifice  Jonah  if  they 
could  avoid  it,  so  they  rowed  hard  to  bring  the  boat 
to  land.  But  all  to  no  purpose.  Jonah  had  to  be 
dumped  overboard;  then  there  was  a  great  calm. 

Now  the  Lord  had  prepared  a  special  fish  to  swallow 
Jonah.  Whether  he  made  a  new  one  for  that  purpose 
or  just  altered  one  ready  made  so  that  Jonah  could  get 
accommodations  in  its  inside  we  do  not  know,  nor  does 
it  matter.  Jonah  was  not  aware  of  the  arrangement  and 
must  have  been  greatly  surprised  to  find  himself  in 

46 


such  close  quarters.  Internment  in  this  living  sub- 
marine was  no  improvement  in  his  condition.  So,  like 
many  others  in  trouble,  he  turned  pious  and  had  a  little 
revival  of  religion  all  by  himself.  No  need  for  Billy 
Sunday  to  tell  him  of  a  future  hell;  he  was  in  one 
already  and  no  penitent  at  the  mourner's  bench  ever 
sent  up  more  vociferous  supplications,  fortified  by  flat- 
tering promises  to  the  Lord,  if  he  would  only  help  him 
out  of  this  fishy  casket. 

In  the  meantime  the  whale  was  not  enjoying  an 
after-dinner  nap.  He  had  scarcely  time  to  congratulate 
himself  on  securing  a  good  meal  at  one  gulp  when  he 
began  to  realize  that  all  was  not  well  within.  It  was 
a  new  thing  in  whale  life  to  encompass  a  miniature 
camp  meeting,  for  Jonah  was  in  earnest  and  no  doubt 
accompanied  his  prayers  with  suitable  gestures  regard- 
less of  the  effect  on  the  whale.  The  poor  fish,  in  the 
throes  of  acute  indigestion,  not  willing  to  defile  the 
ocean,  his  home,  hastened  to  the  shore  and  heaved  up 
his  last  repast,  astonished  to  see  it  jump  up  and  walk 
away.  But  he  firmly  determined  never  to  have  any- 
thing to  do  with  land  animals  in  the  future. 

With  Jonah  the  case  was  different.  His  problem  was 
far  from  being  solved.  He  still  had  to  preach  the  de- 
struction of  Nineveh,  a  city  of  three  days'  journey,  and 
he  very  reluctantly  began  to  enter  the  city  and  to  cry, 
"Yet  forty  days  and  Ninevth  shall  be  overthrown/' 

Well,  the  people  of  Nineveh  did  what  Jonah  most 
feared:  they  repented.  And  God  also  repented  of  the 
evil  he  was  going  to  bring  upon  them.  This  ruined 
Jonah's  reputation  as  a  prognosticator  which  in  his 
own  estimation  weighed  more  than  all  the  Ninevehites 
put  together.  He  got  so  angry  that  he  told  the  Lord 

47 


that  the  reason  he  ran  away  the  first  time  when  told  to 
preach  at  Nineveh,  was  because  he  knew  God  would 
have  mercy  on  them  if  they  repented,  and  now,  since 
they  had,  he  asked  God  to  take  his  life. 

Then  said  the  Lord,  "Doest  thou  well  to  be  angry?" 
But  Jonah  went  out  of  the  city  still  nursing  his  wrath 
and  sat  in  a  convenient  place,  where  he  could  see  what 
was  going  on,  still  hoping  something  would  happen  to 
Nineveh  to  justify  his  prophecy.  Jonah  had  an  over- 
dose of  egotism,  so  he  sat  and  sulked.  Then  God  made 
a  gourd  to  grow  up  over  him  for  a  shade  and  Jonah 
was  glad  for  the  gourd.  Then  God  made  a  worm  to  kill 
the  gourd  and  it  withered ;  and  He  sent  an  east  wind  and 
the  sun  to  beat  on  Jonah's  head  till  he  fainted  and 
wished  himself  dead.  When  God  asked  Jonah  "Doest 
thou  well  to  be  angry  for  the  gourd?"  he  replied,  "I 
do  well  to  be  angry  even  unto  death."  It  was  a  hopeless 
case.  Nothing  short  of  the  destruction  of  Nineveh 
would  put  him  in  good  humor. 

Then  said  the  Lord,  "Thou  hast  had  pity  on  the 
gourd,  for  which  thou  has  not  labored,  neither  madest 
it  to  grow,  which  came  up  in  a  night  and  perished  in 
a  night;  and  should  not  I  spare  Nineveh,  that  great 
city  wherein  are  more  than  six  score  thousand  persons 
that  cannot  discern  between  their  right  hand  and  their 
left  hand,  and  also  much  cattle?" 

We  are  left  up  in  the  air  as  to  what  happened  to 
Jonah.  However,  we  know  he  was  a  slacker,  and  was 
caught  in  the  draft  and  later  dishonorably  discharged. 

But  "we  aint  no  whale"  and  the  Lord  has  not  spec- 
ially prepared  us  to  swallow  this  story. 


48 


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